


Instrumental of Stars

by anna_chronistic



Category: Les Misérables (2012), Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Schönberg/Boublil, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: 27 club, Anachronistic, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Canon Era, Crack, Crystal Meth, Dark Comedy, F/M, Family Guy style cutaways, Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry Victor Hugo, Illnesses, Injury, Javert Lives, Javert has a cat, Javert has long hair, M/M, Marius is a pervert, Meta, Multi, OOC, Post-Seine, Profanity, Running Gags, Sassy Cosette, Sassy Javert, Sickfic, Suicide Attempt, astronomer!Javert, barricade boys live, bronchitis, everyone forgets Javert's name, exclamation point!Javert, most characters are very ooc, no one knows any one else's names, nothing makes sense, obscure math references, obscure music references, obscure references, sick!Javert, slapstick violence, so bad that it's funny, stupid writing, Éponine Lives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-19
Updated: 2017-06-17
Packaged: 2018-11-02 06:29:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10938903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anna_chronistic/pseuds/anna_chronistic
Summary: Javert survives his suicide attempt and gets ill.  After failing to get back into the police department, he decides to do what he would have done if he hadn't been a police officer: pursue a career in astronomy.





	1. the void

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place in 1832, but anachronistic references are used as a running gag. A lot of post-Seine fics use lines from _Javert's Suicide_ as titles. But I ran out of lines from that song, so I chose the instrumental of _Stars_ at the very end. That's how I came up with the title.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Javert is rescued from his suicide attempt by some kayakers and is taken to the hospital.

"As I stare into the void of a world that cannot hold"

Javert stares into the rapid currents of the Seine river from the top of a bridge.

"I'll escape now from that world, from the world of Jean Valjean"

The inspector takes off his trenchcoat and climbs over the fence part of the bridge.

"There is nowhere I can turn. There is no way to go OOOOOONNNNNNNNNN!"

Javert jumps off the bridge in Pont au Change and does a backflip before landing in the river. Whether this was unintentional, or if Javert just wanted to go out with a bang, is unknown. An instrumental of 'Stars' plays as he is falling. That's how you know it's the end.

"Cut! That was great. I think violin 4 was a little early on bar 3, but other than that, it was a good instrumental reprise", said the conductor of the orchestra. "How did it sound from there?"

"Great!", said a random guy below the bridge.

~~~~~~~~~

Meanwhile in the Seine river, two people are kayaking. "I told you, Clement. Kayaking is a great alternative way of travelling. An easy way to avoid traffic."

"It's 1:00 a.m. There are no horse carriages out at this time, Dominique"

Suddenly, there is a splash in the water, as if something fell into the Seine at a high speed. "Did you see that!?. We gotta go help him. I'm going in!". Dominique and Clement both dove into the water, looking for the person that just fell in. It took the combined strength of both of them to lift the man out of the Seine's freezing turbulent rapids. They put him on the boat and paddle to the shore of the river.

"Is this dude dead?" asked Clement. "He looks like that bitch from _The Ring_."

"Maybe someone killed him and decided to dump the body in the river", Dominique said.

"So we ended up rescuing a dead man? Ain't that a bitch." Clement replied.

"Well, at least we got some exercise out of it", Dominique joked.

~~~~~~~~

Meanwhile, Jean Valjean was looking for Javert to arrest him, but Javert was nowhere to be found. As Valjean searched, he was about 400 meters from the bridge at Pont au Change when he saw someone jump and heard the instrumental of 'Stars'. As soon as he realized what was happening, he rushed to the banks of the Seine river.

When Jean arrived, he saw 2 men standing near the shore and a man lying on the ground in a supine position. The man on the ground had big black boots, long brown hair, and a resting bitch face. Valjean was certain that it was Javert.

"Thank you monsieurs for retrieving this man from the river," said Valjean. "I hate to break the news to you," said Dominique, "but he is dea—"

Suddenly, Javert jolted up, coughing up water from the river. Valjean carried him and ran towards the street, calling for a fiacre. "Holy shit! That guy must be taking steroids", said Clement.

~~~~~~~~At the hospital~~~~~~~~

The fiacre went to the hospital a few miles away from the river. In the hospital, Javert was barely conscious and delirious with fever as the doctor examined his injuries. "His left lung has collapsed as a result of fractured ribs. Free falling into a body of water from that height is basically like hitting concrete", she explained. "That sounds like it sucks. Will he be alright?", asked Valjean. "This is survivable. However, we will have to perform surgery to fix his collapsed lung," the doctor said. Javert woke up breathless and coughing. "What the hell is going on?"

"You're in a hospital. I'm doctor Angelina Joly," said the doctor. "We're going to perform surgery on you before you catch ebola"

The doctor called for an anesthesiologist. "I don't understand," said Javert. "What the hell is ebo-"

The anesthesiologist hit Javert with a shovel, knocking him out. "If only there was a better way of rendering people unconscious in 1832 than getting them drunk or hitting them with blunt objects," the anesthesiologist remarked.

As the surgery was going on, Valjean looked worried, and Dr. Joly seemed to notice. "Don't worry, monsieur. I'm dealing with stress as well. My brother went to the barricade on June 6, and I'm not sure if he made it out alive, or if he joined the 27 club"

~~~~~~~~5 hours later

The surgery was successful (somehow), and Valjean was relieved that Javert had awoken from it.

"The surgery was a success, inspector René JaverT", the doctor said, with emphasis on the 't'.

"Actually, it's pronounced 'jah-vare'. The t is silent, like in the word 'rapport'", Javert corrected her, and soon started coughing. The coughs were thick with fluid, and it felt as if he were in the river once again as he choked and wheezed.

"Oh no, inspector Java has ebola," says Dr. Angelina Joly.

"Actually it looks more like bronchitis," corrected one of the nurses. "And ebola sounds like a made-up word, not an actual disease".

"And it's Javert, not Java," said the inspector.

"Isn't it funny how in the beginning of the musical you don't want people to forget your name, but it ends up being butchered nonetheless?" the former convict joked.

Javert tried to scoff at the joke, but his breathing was labored and uneven.

"If his cough goes away, inspector Janis Joplin will recover from the surgery faster," Dr. Joly said to Valjean. She and the nurse left, leaving Valjean alone with Javert.

"So, why did you do it?" Valjean pressed. "Why did you jump off the bridge?"

"You see, I was, uh...drunk. And uh...I fell! Yeah, that's it." Javert tried to lie.

"I know that isn't true. A person as stoic as you wouldn't get wasted all willy-nilly"

"I lost a bet", said Javert.

"Nice try," teased Jean. "They played an instrumental of _Stars_ when you jumped off. And _Stars_ is your song, just like _I Dreamed a Dream_ is Fantine's song. So I know it was a suicide"

"Uhhh...I was practicing my diving for the 1836 Olympics. Go France!"

"Come on, man. They're never gonna let a 52-year-old police participate in the Olympics," Valjean scoffed. Javert was running out of ideas.

"Umm...uh...They were playing 'Jump' by Van Halen, and I was just tempted to jump", Javert knew this excuse was stupid and kind of anachronistic.

"And now you're being all anachronistic? This is just pathetic,"

"Fiiine, I tried to commit suicide. Are you happy now?" Javert broke off into a fit of coughing. It was becoming obvious that he was getting ill. He lost his ribbon in the river, so some of his long hair got in his mouth. Valjean moved the hair away from Javert's face and felt his forehead.

"You're hot," said Valjean.

"On a scale of 1 to 10, I think I'm about a 3, but thanks anyway," said Javert.

"That's not what I meant, but okay. I meant that you're pretty feverish. Anyway, you're such a bad liar. No wonder a 12-year-old busted you at the barricades"

"That little French kid, who has a British accent for some reason, is so annoying. One time he replaced my snuff with methamphetamine"

~~~~~~~~cut back to when Javert was on meth~~~~~~~~

"Howyadoing24601I'mreadytosendyoutoprisonafter17yearsIamthelawrandthelawrisnotmockedhahahahha", Javert yelled as he was chasing a homeless man down the street.

~~~~~~~~back to the hospital scene~~~~~~~~

"Look, we all face adversity in our lives, and frankly I'm glad that you made it out of the river alive, jah-vare"

"Thanks, val-john. When I get back into the police force, I will not arrest you. I'll forget that you ever existed"

"Forgive me, but I believe that it isn't a question of when you rejoin the police academy, it's a question of if"

"I'm sorry, what?", said Javert.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To be continued


	2. ain't nobody got time for that

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While sick with bronchitis, Javert decides to re-enter the police force after resigning. Valjean isn't so sure that Javert's plan is possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's a lot of dialogue.

June 11, 1832

In his apartment on the second floor, Javert contemplates how he'll get his job back. Rent was due in 2 weeks, and it wasn't a good idea to be unemployed. Javert had gotten sick from trying to drown himself in the river. He caught a nasty cough and a nose that kept running.

Javert contemplates if the police department will forgive him for resigning. And wonders if they know that he tried to commit suicide. He dreaded the idea of them finding out. He sighed heavily, which triggered coughing. It sounded pretty bad, as if he were coughing up mucus. He spit into a trashcan. Javert returns to the letter he is drafting addressed to Chabouillet, the head of the police department.

He knows that even if he gets accepted back into the police academy, he will not be as high-ranking as he was before. Javert would be totally cool with being a prison guard again. Heck, he would even accept a job as a rent-a-cop like Paul Blart.

Javert was blowing his nose when he heard a knock at the door. It must be the landlord, he thought. He answered the door and it was none other that Jean "24601" Valjean.

"How the flying fuck did you find out where I live?" Javert said, stuffing the handkerchief back in his pocket.

"With my daughter's creepy boyfriend's help, I stalked you and found out where you live," said Valjean. "That Marius dude is an expert at creeping on others."

"You know that's breaking and entering, right?" said Javert.

"What can I say? you stalked me for 17 years, so you kinda had it coming," Valjean pointed out.

"That's fair," Javert admitted. "But why on earth are you even here in the first place?"

"I came here to apologize," said Valjean.

_Damn it, not this malarkey again_ thought Javert.

"This whole situation with the barricades, the drawn-out game of cat and mouse, the multiple aliases that I took on, the failed suicide, etc. Are you okay after all this?"

"I'm fine," said Javert. "I'm gonna move on and go back to being a police inspector."

"How do you know they will let you back in if you already resigned?"

"I don't know exactly what will happen; I can't predict the future. But the best I can do is at least try."

Javert started coughing again. Valjean rubbed Javert's back as the coughs shook his thin frame. "Take it easy, Javert."

"I'm okay," Javert said for the umpteenth time. "If I were seriously ill, then I wouldn't do this".

"Dude, you fell 15 meters into a freezing-ass river. You shouldn't have left the hospital that early."

"Listen, I imagine I'd meet my demise by getting shot or stabbed as police officer. I'm not gonna die of some disease."

"Wait, so you _want_ to get murdered? That's kinda fucked up."

"Actually, I take it that back. The coolest way to die is getting hit by a meteorite because it's statistically improbable," Javert sniffed. "I didn't know you were interested in astrology." "Astronomy," Javert corrected. "Ok cool. Just as long as you're not traveling the world waiting to get hit by the next asteroid". "You mean meteorite. Asteroids are in space. They're called meteorites once they impact earth's surface." _That pretentious fuck._ Valjean thought.

"Anyway, you can get your happy ass outta here because I'm gonna send this letter to Chabouillet," said Javert. "I admire your ambition, but you're pushing your luck. I'll pay your rent until you can find another job. How 'bout dat?" Valjean asked. "Nonsense. I'm going to send this letter to Chabouillet and re-apply to the police academy. Then I shall return to my job as a police inspect—" sharp coughing cut him off. He coughed wetly into a handkerchief, and it took a while for him to catch his breath as his breathing rattled in his chest.

"I think you should take a break before you carry out your 'plan'," Valjean suggested. "I'm fine. It's just a cold, monsieur. It will go away soon," says Javert. "Again, you are really bad at lying, Javert," says Valjean. "Okay fine, I'll take a break." Javert was lying again. As relentless as he is, he was planning to get back to work ASAP! Whether he was ill or not.

Javert turned away and just stared out the window for a while, not speaking at all, with blue eyes fixed on the horizon. "Are you sure you're okay?" asked Valjean.

"I resigned from the police department, which is very unlikely to rehire a nutcase like me. My ribs were just fractured, so this cough hurts like a son of a bitch. And did I mention I tried to kill myself? Of course I'm not okay. But I lie and pretend I'm okay so that you'll leave me alone. I don't need your sympathy." Javert snapped.

"Even if I'm the one that drove you to suicide in the first place?" Valjean felt guilty of this.

"It isn't your fault. This was no one's choice but mine. Damn it, I should have hanged myself in my apartment instead of being dramatic and jumping off a bridge"

"Don't say things like that!" Valjean was concerned. "You genuinely thought your life was going to end that night. You even gave your cat up for adoption because you wanted someone to take care of him while you were gone." "How do you know this?" Javert asked, suspiciously. "My daughter has your cat. His collar says 'if found, please return to René Javert at 187 North Déjà Vu Street'. I'll get Cosette to return your cat if you like."

"I never thought I'd see the day when Jean le Cric would return my cat. Am I in bizarro world or something?"

"Well, you've thought of me as nothing more than a criminal for 17 years and felt obligated to return me to jail. Now you see that I'm not as bad as you thought I was, and realized that you were wrong for so many years. Now you're like Wile E. Coyote after he catches the road runner," Valjean explained. "What the hell is a coyote?" Javert asks, blowing his nose. "Coyotes are like wolves except they live in North America," said Valjean. "I don't get why Victor Hugo always compares me to a wolf. I'm only slightly hairy, for crying out loud." "I'm not sure that's what he meant, but okay. Plus, I think your sideburns are actually pretty cool."

"Valjean, how does Cosette not know that she's adopted? You're like 85, and she's like 12,"Javert changed the subject. "You're only 11 years younger than me. So if I'm 85, then you're 74," Valjean pointed out. "Don't you understand sarcasm, Johnny boy?" Javert sneezed into the crook of his elbow. He takes out a handkerchief from his pocket (which is pretty much soaked by now), and turns around to blow his nose. "Ugh, sorry about that," Javert apologizes. "No worries, René Zellweger", said Valjean.


	3. Epic Snap Battles of History: Cosette vs Javert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valjean has Cosette return Javert's cat to him. Then Javert and Cosette basically roast each other. Who will win the sass battle?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably the most nonsensical, reference-based, fourth wall breaking chapter of this book. Sorry Victor Hugo :(

June 12, 1832

There is a knock at the door of 55 Rue Plumet. It's Javert, and he is there to get his cat back from Cosette. Cosette answers the door with the small black cat in her arms. The cat is playing with her curly brown hair. The cat is happy to see the inspector, but Cosette, not so much. Valjean had told Cosette all about the inspector that had been trying to put him in jail for 17 years.

"We meet at last, guy-who-pretty-much-screwed-up-my-dad's-life." Cosette was bitter.

"Just cut the crap and give me my cat so I can get the hell out of here," said Javert.

"How about you stop being a bitch?" Cosette challenged.

"Euphrasie Cosette Valjean! Watch your language, young lady", said Jean.

"Yeah you suck, Corvette" Javert said.

"Alright, I take that back. You can roast him", Valjean said.

"You're one of the most unlikable, forever-alone bastards I've ever come across. Even Papillon (1) doesn't like you," Cosette said, referring to the feline that was squirming in Javert's arms trying to get back to the convict's daughter. Apparently the cat had gotten attached to Cosette. "Papillon? What kind of name is that? He's a boy, you know, and his name is Rocket," said Javert. "You really think Rocket is a better name? What the hell is a rocket? It's like you made up a random word at the top of your head and decided to name your cat that," Cosette retorted.

"Whatever, Cochise." Pairs of blue eyes glared at each other. "Watch who you're messing with. I'm one of the few characters who makes it alive to the end of the musical. I'm a savage!", said Cosette.

"Alright, if you're gonna be meta, then I can be meta, too. How can you be savage if you're the most boring, cliché, one-dimensional character? You do literally nothing in the entire 2 and a half hour show. Reading the iTunes terms and conditions is more entertaining than watching you in Les Mis." said the inspector.

"They cut a lot of scenes from the book so that the musical can be less than 5 hours. So consequently, I don't have that much time for character development," Cosette explained.

"I don't give a damn, Cosine (2). You're still basically only in the show to look pretty, which is ironic because you look like Weird Al Yankovic wearing a nun costume. And plus, your high notes sound like a whining puppy."

"You have no right to call me ugly, inspector Javelin. I gotta roast you! No wonder the police never take you seriously, with your magician hat and your librarian ponytail. And that ugly ass trench coat makes you look like an anorexic school shooter. What are thoooosseee?" she says pointing at his shoes. "Get outta here with those damn Civil War boots. And you really think you can pull off having long hair and sideburns? You look like a homeless man tried to join a metal band. You look like a combination of a pirate and an axe murderer."

"Whatever, Secant (3). You were played by that chick from _A Million Ways to Die in the West_ "

"You were played by Russel Crowe. Need I say more?"

"Who cares? At least all the Javerts in movies saw that justice was done."

"You wouldn't know justice if it bit you on your nonexistent ass. You were quicker to believe some lying douchebag than my mother"

"Speaking of douchebags, that guy Mario Pothead only likes you because he's a stalker who'll bang literally anyone"

"You're one to talk, creepy. Don't you think it's a bit hypocritical for you to call Marius a stalker? You seem to have a creepy obsession with my dad."

"Don't get me started on that fool, Hyperbolic Cotangent (4). He's some jailbird with multiple personality disorder who changes his name every 2 months. How can he be your dad if he's like 120? Your dad's so old that the first letter he wrote was in hieroglyphics."

"Let me get this straight: so a geezer can outrun you, and a 12-year-old can outsmart you. Inspector Gadget is a better police than you."

~~~~~~~~  
WHO WON?

EPIC SNAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (1) papillon is "butterfly" in French.  
> (2) another word that sounds like "Cosette". Cosine is a trigonometric function.  
> (3) secant=1 divided by cosine.  
> (4) another trig function to add to the math humor and the butchering of Cosette's name.


	4. The All-French Rejects

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Javert gets rejected from the police department and is distraught as a result. There is some sick h/c in this chapter, but it's mostly dialogue. A lot of dialogue. Sorry about that lol.
> 
> The title comes from a band called The All-American Rejects.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Javert is _really_ bad at lying in this chapter, almost to the point of being stupid. But pretty much everyone in this story is an idiot, so I guess that makes it okay? Idk, I'm really bad at writing lol.

June 13, 1832 6:15 am

Today was the day that Javert would get his job back and hopefully return to his post. He had to give a good reason as to why he resigned. He also had to hide the fact that he was sick in order to not raise suspicions of how he caught an infection of the lungs. Trying to stop his runny nose, he gave it a productive blow into a handkerchief. He also took some cough syrup from his cabinet, which he hadn't touched in a long time because he wasn't often sick.

Javert decided to wear his old black police uniform. He purposely tried to avoid dressing like a magician or a pirate, now that Cosette had brought that to his attention. Since he didn't have a ribbon for a ponytail, Javert decided to go with a braid. He ended up walking 3 miles to the station because he couldn't afford to pay a fiacre.

Javert arrived at the office with a script already planned. "Right this way. How may I help you, monsieur?" said Chabouillet, the head of the Paris police department. "Hello, monsieur. I am inspector René Javert, former police inspector from 1823-1832. I would like to re-apply for a job in the police force," he breathed shallowly, trying not to cough. "Why should we take you back if you quit in the first place?"

"The reason I resigned was that I thought I was going to move to Los Angeles to work for the LAPD. But the whole travel situation got pretty complicated, considering we don't have a way to just fly across the ocean. So now that I know I'm not moving, I would like to take back my resignation, monsiuer." Javert explained. "You're not fooling anyone, Javert. The only people that move to Los Angeles are wannabe actors and musicians, not police."

"Fair enough. But whatever my reason for resignation was, I certainly regret it now. I'll accept any position that's available." Javert let out a painful sounding barking cough. "Yikes," said Chabouillet. "You seem too ill to work." "Well, I did catch bronchitis on the 7th. But I'm not seriously ill; it's just a minor inconvenience at this point," Javert was telling the truth. "Bronchitis? In the middle of summer? That seems suspicious." Chabouillet was onto something. "Uh..um, I caught it from my ex wife. And definitely not from being in a freezing river."

"Alright, stop beating around the bush. It's so obvious that it was a suicide attempt. There are several witnesses that verified that they played an instrumental of _Stars_ when you jumped off the bridge. And that's your most popular song in Les Misérables. They always play instrumentals when the characters are supposed to die." _Damn that orchestra_ , Javert thought.

"I'm not sure how to break it to you, but we don't want employees that decide to kill themselves at the drop of a hat. You're fired. You should join a metal band instead," Chabouillet joked. And with that final line, Javert had given up and was gone.

~~~~~~~~June 14, 1832 2:00 am~~~~~~~~

Javert is walking alone at night, kind of like Éponine in _On My Own_. He was so distraught about the situation that he actually broke down and cried. And he hadn't cried since he was, like, 8. His nose was running, both from his sickness and from the fact that he was crying. "Why does everyone think I'm in a metal band?" Javert asks to himself tearfully. He proceeds to blow his nose loudly on a handkerchief.

Meanwhile, Jean Valjean walks the streets of Paris as well. From a distance he sees a tall, thin man with long hair who is coughing heavily. _That guy might have the consumption_ , Valjean thought. He runs to catch up to him. "Is there some way that I can help you, monsiuer? I can take you to a doctor." The man turns around, and it's none other than René "honestly, I'm totally fine" Javert

"What are you doing here, Javert? It's 2 in the morning." "More like what are _you_ doing here? And to answer your question, I was crying like a bitch because I got rejected from the police department, and you were right all along, and I hate myself," Javert admitted. "I'm here because your talk about meteorites got me curious about stargazing. I tried to sing _Stars_ , but it was harder than I thought because I'm not a bass-baritone like you." Javert was surprised at Valjean's answer. He was gonna say something, but he went into another bout of coughing. "You're not gonna get any better if you don't get any rest."

"I'll definitely need some rest after being epically roasted by your daughter _and_ fired," Javert said sarcastically. "But I must admit that Cosette won that fair and square. She should be a comedian or something". "By the way, Cosette told me she's sorry for insulting you the other day. She got you a new ribbon as a gift". Valjean gave it to Javert. Javert undid his braid, which came apart quickly because his hair is really straight, and tied his hair back into its usual low ponytail.

"Oh, and here's another handkerchief. You sound more congested than Los Angeles traffic at 5 pm." Valjean pointed out. "Speaking of LA, I tried to convince Chabouillet that I was going to move there. A foolish mistake on my part." Javert said. "O RLY? Wow, America. Do you speak English?" Valjean asked. "No, the only languages that I speak are French and German. I don't know English at all, even though the person that's reading this story is reading our lines in English, which makes this incredibly confusing." Javert blew his nose twice. The first was his usual productive blow, the second a honk. Javert cringed slightly.

"Just when I thought you couldn't get any more meta, you come up with this tomfoolery," Jean joked. "The fourth wall was made to be broken like the fucking Kool aid man," Javert said. "OH YEAH!" Valjean imitated the Kool aid man.

"In all seriousness, I really have to get my life together. Or else it's into the flood again, same old trip it was back then", said Javert. "Why are you referencing Alice in Chains? Stop being so pessimistic, Javert. Yeah you gotta keep it strong move along, move along, like I know you do. And even when your hope is gone move along, move alo—". "Don't you think that The All-American Rejects is a little too far fetched? Even more so than Alice in Chains? No one's gonna get that reference", Javert anachronistically pointed out.

"What I'm asking is: what would you be doing if you never became a police officer in the first place?" Valjean asked. "That's an easy question. I'd be an astronomer if it wasn't for my ex wife." "Really? I never new you were married. Tell me more, tell me more," Valjean said like the pink ladies from _Grease_. "Well buckle up, Jean Valjean, because you're in for a very long backstory!"

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
To be continued...


	5. Flashback!  Who's that?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Javert tells a backstory to Valjean explaining his unfinished endeavors in the field of astrophysics. Back in 1803, Javert is a graduate student in astronomy. Then he meets a woman who would later become his ex-wife, and things go downhill really fast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Although Javert is technically telling the story to Valjean in first person, the backstory will be in third person, since I hate writing in first person. Also, sorry in advance for Javert's ex-wife's name. Another thing: Biches is a real place in France.

~~~~~~~~Biches, France 1802~~~~~~~~

Javert is a student in college studying astronomy. He had chosen German as his required foreign language class (why do colleges make you take those classes anyway?). He was practicing sentences in German on a park bench. " _Ganze Folge_ ist die lustgiste karikatur aller zeiten (1)."

"Cool. I like _Family Guy_ , too" said a woman who was watching him ramble in German. "Oh hi, hehe," Javert said nervously.

22-year-old Javert looked a lot less menacing than he did in the 1820s and 1830s. The man was tall and slim with bright blue eyes and a rather large nose. He had long dark brown hair that was unbound and earrings that his Romani mother gave him. The woman that approached him was tall and blonde with a buxom figure and a gap-toothed smile.

"I presume you're also a student at the University of Biches. Studying German, eh?" asked the woman. "Yep, I'm a student. But I'm actually majoring in astronomy. German is just one of my required foreign language classes," Javert explained.

"Wow, I'm an astronomy major, too. What is your name?"

"René Javert."

"Renée Darboux. With two e's. Oh shit, our names are almost the same. What's your favourite topic to study?"

"I do stellar astronomy, and also study galaxies outside the Milky Way," said Javert.

"Well I do mostly planetary stuff. Pluto is my favourite planet by far! I'm so glad that Pluto is currently a planet and will remain a planet 204 years in the future," said Darboux. "Anyway, would you like to maybe go out for a walk some time?" the blonde inquired. "Sure thing," said René.

~~~~~~~~fast forward to their 5th date. I'm not good at writing romance, lol.~~~~~~~~

Javert and Darboux walk the streets of Biches at night. René and Renée are both night owls, so they don't mind that it's 1:00 a.m. It was mid-August, so the Sagittarius constellation was clearly visible in the night sky. "I've never seen Sagittarius this clearly before," Javert said in amazement. "Speaking of constellations, what's your Chinese zodiac sign?" asked the woman.

"1780, year of the rat," the brunette replied, even though he knew that zodiac signs had absolutely no effect on the outcome of one's life. "The rat is pretty shitty compared to the other zodiac animals," Javert continued. "I was born in 1784, the year of the dragon. We're both 80's kids," said the blonde. "And the first thing that dragons remind me of is _Shrek 2_ ," Renée laughed.

"You always find a way to make any situation funny," Javert smiled. Darboux smiled and wrapped an arm around Javert's thin waist. Javert reciprocated that move. "Look, you can even see Mars," Renée said as she pointed at a dim, reddish light in the sky. She moved her arm back near Javert and grabbed his flat ass. Javert laughed like he was 13.

"Although you can't see it without a telescope, the Andromeda Galaxy is in the sky today. Messier 32 can be found near its spiral arms. I'm studying why it's small and elliptical rather than the standard spiral galaxy," said the tall man. "Charles Messier is a badass motherfucker. He catalogued 45 stars/clusters/galaxies in both hemispheres. Now that takes a lot of dedication," said Darboux.

"You know what we should do? When I earn enough money, we can take a trip to Australia and we can see all the southern constellations that we couldn't see in the northern hemisphere," Javert was excited at his new idea. "Yeah, and maybe someone from that country can play you in a musical once you're famous," the blonde teased. "That's highly unlikely," Javert laughed. And the two astronomers kissed in the starry night.

~~~~~~~~Biches, France 1803, at Renée Darboux and René Javert's wedding~~~~~~~~

"I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride." The two astronomers kiss each other. "Now we both have the same name!", Renée Javert (formerly Darboux) said excitedly. "Now that your last name is Javert, no one will forget your name, especially not a random prisoner," said René Javert.

Later that night, they arrived at their new house and got ready for bed. "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?", Renée asks flirtatiously. "Sure thing, Lady Marmalade." Javert takes his shirt off to change into a night shirt. He has abs, but they don't really count because he's skinny af and his ribs are visible. Madame Javert notices a tattoo on the left side of his ribcage. " _Go back to Romania_ ," she reads the tattoo. "What does that mean?"

"Well, it's kind of awkward explaining this, but this is a prison tattoo. You see, I was born inside a jail by my mother, who was a Romani fortune teller. Other inmates would make fun of me for being the son of a gypsy. And one day, as a cruel joke, they gave me this tattoo when I was 8."

"That sounds pretty awful," Renée said. "Well the joke's on them. Because although my mom was from there, I've never actually been to Romania," said M. Javert. "Wow, thanks for explaining that. It takes a lot of courage to give information about your past," the blonde says. "Well one way or another, people's past lives can come back to bite them in the—"

"FBI! Open up!"

 _Oh shit, the French Bureau of Investigation is here_ , René thought.

Several FBI agents burst in. "We're looking for Heidi Riemann, an escaped convict from Germany who's on the country's most-wanted list. She's committed several heists on German banks and used the money to sell fidget spinners and hentai on the black market."

 _Who's Heidi Riemann? And fidget spinners, really? You've got to be kidding me_ , thought M. Javert.

Another agent ransacks the closet, and lo and behold, out falls a bunch of fidget spinners and hentai. It is at that moment that René Javert realizes the truth: his wife is a criminal.

"I'm sorry, babe. I can explain. Yes it's true, my name is Heidi Riemann, and I'm from Germany. I changed my name and moved to France so that I wouldn't get caught for my heists. I only did these heists/black market trading to pay for astronomy school in France. I don't even watch hentai, I swear!"

"Is there anything else you're lying to me about?" René asks, disappointed. "I wasn't actually born in 1784. I was born in 1777. Triple seven, baby. Year of the rooster, or the cock (wink, wink). I didn't know if you'd be okay dating a girl that's older than you," Heidi admitted. "I'm cool with dating an older girl, but not a liar." These words were like a dagger to Heidi Riemann.

"I'm sorry, René," Heidi said genuinely, with tears in her eyes, as she was taken away by the FBI.

The very next day, Javert had their marriage annulled. He also cut his hair and took out his earrings. He couldn't believe how much of a fool he was to trust a con like her. And to avoid ever going down that path again, Javert decided to dissociate himself with criminals once and for all: he went into law enforcement.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
~~~~~~~~Back to June 14,1832. The cutaway is over.~~~~~~~~

"I lost a lot of my trust that day," Javert said to Valjean.

"Oh, so that's why you're wary of people that change their names. And if changing names was a science, I'd have the Nobel Prize," Valjean joked. "You sure as hell would," Javert remarks.

"So you're one of those fools that cuts their hair after a breakup," Valjean teased. "Noooo, I cut my hair to temporarily alter my appearance so that she couldn't find me. I didn't just pull a Britney Spears and cut my hair because I was sad," Javert snorted.

"So let me get this straight: you were banging a German chick at 23? And she's into hentai? I never knew the ol' inspector would be so freaky."

"We never had sex. Are you kidding me? She looks like Courtney Love!"

"You really are somethin' else." Valjean gave Javert a chaste kiss on the cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (1) This sentence is "Family Guy is the funniest cartoon ever" in German.  
> P.S.  
> If you get the subtle math references in this chapter, you're a really cool kid XD.


	6. The not-so 27 club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One of the Les Amis students (Joly) finds Javert an internship in astronomy. Also, the running gag of no one knowing anyone else's names gets even worse in this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are a lot of references to chapters 1, 2, and 3. Also, Joly is an idiot.

June 17, 1832

By now, Cosette had told Marius about Javert, and Marius had told the ABC gang. However, a lot of things got lost in translation.

Today, Valjean was having a post-June Rebellion party at 55 Rue Plumet for...reasons. And Javert was also there for...reasons. Javert was gradually recovering from his respiratory infection. His cough wasn't as bad as it had been initially, and his breathing no longer rattled in his chest.

"Cosette invited people over, too? I bet that boy Darius gonna come," said Javert.

Soon after, a boy and a girl arrived at 55 Rue Plumet. "It's-a-me, Marius" said the boy. "Hi, I'm Éponine" said the girl. "Me and Epsilon brought some ganja," Marius pulled out a bag of weed.

 _So he is a pothead after all_ Javert thought. "Hell yeah! We're gonna be smokin' that loud!" Cosette said.

"So let me get this straight: you let your daughter smoke the devil's lettuce, but you won't let her marry Luigi?" asked Javert. "She has to wait until she's 18 to get married. And she also should get to know him know him for, you know, more than 2 fucking weeks. How can she know that he isn't a serial killer?"

"Alright, papa. I promise I'll dump him if he's a serial killer," Cosette joked. "I'm not a serial killer," Marius whined. "But you were at the barricades with a gang of sketchy people shooting guns and shit. How do I know you're not violent?"

"Actually, no one was shot surprisingly. And this girl even followed me there. What's her name again? Epilogue?"

 _Hello darkness, my old friend_ , Éponine thought.

"The French army only used shitty, low caliber rifles. So must of the bullets got stuck in the Ikea furniture that we built the barricade out of. Epsom Salts pistol whipped the shit out of the guy that tried to shoot me," Marius said, gesturing to Éponine. "Once again, she saved the day!" "You go, Oedipus!" said Cosette.

"The other army officers were really scared of Epic Movie By Jason Friedberg And Aaron Seltzer, so they just gave up."

 _Wow_ , thought Éponine. _My name has 3 syllables, and the name he just called me has 14? How do you fuck up that badly?! He must really not care at all. It's pronounced eh-poh-neen. It isn't rocket science!_ "Cool story, bro," Éponine finally said to Marius.

"Most of your buddies are students, right?" Valjean asked Marius. "Well my friend Javert here is actually an astronomy major looking for work. You think you can hook a brotha up?" he said, elbowing Javert. Javert was so embarrassed.

"Yeah, my friends from the barricades are students. But the only one that knows about internships in astronomy is Joly. I think he's on his way right now. Want to read comic books and smoke some reefer in the mean time?" "No thanks," said Javert.

20 minutes later Javert sees a new arrival to 55 Rue Plumet. It's a blonde young man about a foot shorter than him. That must be Joly.

"What's up, inspector Gadget?"

"Nice to meet you, Jolene."

"Guess who isn't joining the 27 club?" Joly said, excited.

"What you talkin' 'bout, willis? What are you—19?" Javert inquired. "No, I'm 27" Joly corrected. "You look young for your age," Javert said. "Does that mean I'm unhealthy?" Joly asked. "No. In fact, that's actually a good thing. And you're even more lucky that you survived the June Rebellion"

"I'm surprised that we survived because the barricades basically looked like someone detonated TNT in an Ikea. And I'm glad I did, because I never pictured myself getting shot to death. I always thought I would die of some disease," said Joly. "That's the exact opposite for me," said Javert.

"I heard that you survived the Seine," said the med student. "Were you drunk enough to fall off a bridge? Did you lose a bet? Or were you practicing diving for the 1836 Olympics? Oh, I know! They were playing _Jump_ by Van Halen!"

"Yeah, that's it," Javert said, playing along with Joly's stupid assumptions. "I hope you were careful. You can catch ebola from jumping in rivers, you know" said the younger man.

"So I once knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy that knows about an internship in astronomy. The address of the laboratory is 514 Chandelier lane," Joly said, handing Javert a piece of paper. "The internship starts on June 21. They're looking for interns to calculate the parallax of distant stars. You have to be good at math, you know." "I am," said Javert. "My nicknames for Cosette are trigonometry puns. I was actually the valedictorian of my high school. Class of 1798, baby!" "Damn, you're old," Joly teased.

"Well at least I'm not like you younguns with your pointless revolution crap."

"Stop being such a negative Nancy. You're almost as pessimistic as Grantaire," said the smaller man.

"Way to be optimistic, Jolllly. Wait, isn't your sister that fish from _Shark Tale_?" Javert stifled a few coughs into his sleeve. Joly noticed this, and visibly winced.

"No, my sister's name is Angelina Joly, not Angelina Jolie. Big difference. She's a doctor at the hospital by the Seine. She's super busy most of the time, so I don't get to talk to her that often. I haven't seen her since April." Javert was starting to remember her. This guy's sister was the one that fixed his collapsed lung. "She was the doctor that helped me after I 'fell' off the bridge. Valjean told me that she asked about you. Would you like me to tell her that you're okay?" "That would be great!" Joly said, his big brown eyes lighting up.

"Great, I'll go over there and tell her. Nice try, Victor Hugo." Javert joked. "You died in the book also? Sweet!" said Joly. "Hell yeah, we survived! High five!" Javert exclaimed. Javert lowered his hand to high-five Joly.

"Ew, don't touch me!" said Joly.

"Alright, I'll see you guys later," said Javert. "Tell Grand Theft Auto I said hi."

"You mean Grantaire," Marius almost whispered.

~~~~~~~~At the hospital~~~~~~~~

Javert is at the hospital searching for Angelina Joly. Some weirdo from Valjean's party wanted Angelina to know that the students from the June rebellion are fine. What was that kid's name? Joel? Joanne? M. Knight Shyamalan? Whatever it was, that weirdo was related to the doctor that helped him recover from his injuries. Javert soon runs into a woman that recognizes him.

"Oh hi inspector Jackrabbit". Yup, that was Angelina Joly alright. "Some paranoid lesbian wants you to know that she survived the barricades. I think her name was Julie or something," said Javert. "That paranoid lesbian is my brother, Matthieu Joly. Thanks for letting me know, inspector Gadget."

Javert was glad to know that Dr. Joly was assured that her brother (that kid is a boy?) is okay. But if anyone called him "inspector Gadget" again, he was gonna lose it. He couldn't stand that sorry excuse for a police inspector, especially in the shitty CGI cartoon. _If I ever see inspector Gadget, I fucking swear I'll fight him_ , Javert thought. _I'm not a cop anymore, so I don't care if I break the lawr._

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
To be continued...


	7. Riemann sum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Javert starts his astronomy internship and reunites with someone from his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you think the rating should be changed from mature to teen and up? There isn't anything super graphic in this fic; It's just a lot of gratuitous swearing! Side note: I suck at writing anything even remotely romantic. So this chapter is kinda like a "fast burn" instead of a slow burn. Second side note: sorry in advance for the time jump. Third side note: lots of astronomy references.

June 21, 1832 (summer solstice)

A lot had changed since June 7, when Javert jumped into the Seine. He had switched from a police inspector to an astronomer. His respiratory illness had run its course. He had also gone from 170 lbs to 160 lbs (he's 6'2" by the way). But fortunately, the pesky cough that he caught from jumping in the river was finally gone. He was ready to start his internship on the first day of summer.

"514 Chandelier Lane. Oh boy, this is it," Javert said to himself as he approached the lab.

"I'm your supervisor, Jacques Poisson. Alright, on you first day you'll be working alongside the chair of the planetary department." Javert's supervisor leads him to a room with a woman who is sketching planetary orbits. "These parallax calculations are easy. You can finish this in like 5 parsecs," Poisson says and then leaves. "What the fuck? A parsec is a unit of distance, not a unit of time! He must have watched too many Star Wars movies," Javert says to himself.

The supervisor enters the room once more. "By the way, these new stars have magnitudes of about 5, so they're like 5 times brighter than the stars of magnitude 1." "The magnitude scale is logarithmic, not linear. _Was für ein dummkopf._ *", says the woman.

Javert took a closer look at the woman who said that. She was a blonde woman with glasses in her mid-50s. The employee bore a striking resemblance to Javert's ex-criminal ex-wife. For a nanosecond, he even contemplated turning her in to authorities. But how could he do that? Clearly she had changed for the better, and it would be a dick move to put her back in jail.

The woman (who is obviously Heidi Riemann, but we're pretending she isn't because that's how books work. I mean, look at the title of this chapter!) also thinks she recognizes the intern.

"René?"

"Heidi? What are you doing in France?"

"Well, after that black market nonsense, I served my time and was released in 1805 for good behavior. I lived in Germany for a few years, but decided to immigrate to France. How did you recognize me?" Riemann was curious.

"You were speaking German. It's a dead giveaway. You probably recognized me by my sarcastic sense of humor and anachronistic references," Javert remarked.

"Actually, I recognized you from your resting bitch face. You just look perpetually angry, even when you're not. Your face looks like a person in front of you is walking painfully slow. You look like you saw someone take 2 parking spaces. You look like you found out that Kidz Bop is releasing their new album covering Nickelback and Justin Bieber songs." Riemann just roasted Javert.

"Alright, I get it."

"René, please don't tell anyone here about my past. I know that you dislike criminals," Heidi noted.

"It's okay. I forgive you. My friend Valjean taught me that people can, in fact, change, and that mercy isn't a bad thing after all"

"Oh wow, I never thought you'd say that!" Riemann was pleasantly surprised. "So wait, you're still attracted to me? Do my gray hairs not bother you?" she asked.

"What gray hairs?" asked Javert.

Riemann pulled him in for a kiss and they started making out. Poisson headed back to the office to give Javert an abacus** for the calculations. "Hey Javert. I got you an abac—" Poisson was shocked by what he saw. "I'll be right back. I'm gonna go vomit." he said watching the 50-somethings kiss.

~~~~~~~~July 20,1832~~~~~~~~

Riemann and Javert had been co-workers for almost a month. This day, Riemann feels particularly curious and Javert feels particularly innovative. "I've been peeking at your data and I noticed a trend in the stars' magnitudes,which would indicate a pattern in the luminosity for stars at a fixed distance from earth," said Heidi.

"If only there was a way to categorize stars based on their temperature and luminosity," said René

"That's definitely possible," said Riemann. "After finding out the distance from parallax, we can calculate the luminosity using the known magnitudes of the stars."

"And then we can graph it. The graph should definitely be logarithmic, because scientists like that for some reason."

The next day, they pitch thier graph to the boss.

"This is brilliant! Scientists can use this diagram to trace the evolution of stars!" he says.

"What should it be called?"

"We'll just use the standard naming procedure and call it the Riemann-Javert diagram***"

So Javert made a new invention with his ex-wife. But will she be his ex forever?

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

To be continued...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *This is "what a dumbass" in German.  
> **An abacus is an old-fashioned version of a calculator  
> ***This is a reference to the Hertzsprung-Russell diagram, which is commonly used in astronomy even today.
> 
> [parallax info](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parallax)


	8. My morbidly obese gypsy wedding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter contains slurs (but they're from Thénardier, so that isn't so surprising). Also, I pretty much only wrote this chapter to fulfill my sick, twisted fantasy of inspector Javert vs Inspector Gadget. So this chapter isn't that good.

August 22, 1833

Today was one day after Cosette's 18th birthday, which was August 21. Her 18th birthday party was pretty relaxed. She just played some beer pong and watched Don Juan in an opera. Now that she was 18, she was ready to get married. And now that Javert had reunited with his ex wife for a year, he was ready to get married as well.

In the year that passed since Javert jumped into the Seine, Valjean and Javert had become good friends. Because of this, the Valjeans/Pontmercys and the Javerts/Riemanns decided to have a joint wedding. It would be located at the Pontmercys' totally rad crib at 211 South Guillotine Road.

Cosette learned that Marius was not actually a serial killer. He was a baron studying law, and a major stoner. Marius discovered that Cosette wasn't a psycho Taylor Swift-type girlfriend. Cosette was an amateur writer/comedian with a knack for mixed martial arts.

As they started to know each other after being separated for so long, Heidi and Javert started to open up about things. Javert told Riemann about his career as a police inspector, his pursuit of Valjean, and his suicide attempt. Riemann admitted to Javert that she watches hentai occasionally. This exchange of stories was probably the worst trade deal in the history of trade deals.

Anyway, back to the wedding. They were planning a music playlist, and it went something like this:

Valjean: My daughter really likes Tchaikovsky's 1812 overture. That's her jam. 

Javert: There's definitely going to be a lot of violins for that song.

Valjean: Speaking of violins, you know what other song has a lot of violins?

Javert: No, what is it?

Valjean:The instrumental of _Stars_ at the end of _Javert's Suicide_!

Javert: Haha, very funny. But for real, I like Alice in Chains, though.

Valjean: _Would_ by Alice in Chains, the one that goes "into the flood again, same old trip it was back then"?

Javert: #triggered.

Valjean: Jump by Van Halen

Javert: #doubletriggered 

Valjean: How about we play River of Deceit by Mad Season?

Javert: *maximum triggering activated*

~~~~~~~~fast forward to the reception~~~~~~~~

"Do you, Cosette Valjean, take Marius Pontmercy to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do."

"Do you, Heidi Riemann, take René Javert to be your lawrfully wedded husband? Again?"

"I do."

"You may now French-kiss, and German-kiss the brides."

Now that both couples were officially married, the wedding crashers (aka the Thénardiers) decided to show up. "Oh look, there's a kike and a faggot," M. Thénardier points at some of the guests.

"We are the baron and the baroness d'Thénard. We wish to pay our respects to the groom," Madame Thénardier said. Thénardier approached Javert, but didn't recognize him as the former police inspector Javert. "Hey you, 6 foot 8 gypsy. Where is that rich boy, so I can tell him that his bride's dad is a murderer and take his money?"

"I'm afraid you can't do that," said Javert. "Why not?" asked Thénardier.

"'Cause I'm right here and I can hear everything you're saying," Marius said plainly.

"Come on," said Thénardier. "I can knock him out quickly and this will be all over with. He'll never know."

"Yes I will," said Marius.

"Well, I tried," said Thénardier. And with that, he threw a punch at Marius, hitting him in the face. Marius punched him back, but Thénardier blocked the blow. Marius tackled Thénardier to the ground, but he was unfazed by that and got up immediately. Marius thought he might actually lose that fight. But then Valjean came running towards Thénardier and BAM! RKO outta nowhere! And when Thénardier got off the floor and turned around, he hit him with a surprise left (because apparently Valjean is left-handed).

"Wow, thanks" said Marius. "No problem. They don't call me Jean Valjohn Cena for nothing."

"Now look who's here! The little madame herself," Madame Thénardier recognized Cosette. As soon as Madame Thénardier ran towards Cosette to attcack her, Cosette Irish whipped her into the wall. Mme T. then proceeded to pull Cosette's hair. "You fight like a bitch, you fat motherfucker," said Cosette. Cosette then roundhouses kicked her former abusive foster mom in the jaw. "I learned my moves from my dad, and he learned them in prison. So you're basically losing a fight to an 18-year-old jailbird."

At this point, René was one of the only ones that didn't get into a fight. He was kind of left out. Then literally out of nowhere, Inspector Gadget shows up. René had sworn that he would fight inspector Gadget if he ever saw him, and now was his chance. "I'm about to whoop your ass 150 years into the future," Javert said as he front-kicked Gadget in the torso. He used his combat skills that he learned as a police officer. "Go go gadget arms!" inspector Gadget says as one of his robotic extra arms pulls out a spatula or some shit. "You can go-go fuck yourself," the astronomer says as he bends the arm backwards. René then jumps off a table and knee-slams inspector Gadget, winning the fight.

After the brawling was over, Marius decided to catch up on some of the guests. "Hey Éponine!"

Éponine was thorougly surprised that Marius got her name right. "Do you like me?" he asked straightforwardly. "What do you mean," Éponine asked, trying to sound oblivious. "Because every time I forgot your name, the camera would zoom in on your face and 'Hello darkness, my old friend' would play as you stared into the abyss sulking."

Marius noticed that Éponine gained weight, but her arms and legs were still skinny. She was pregnant. "Of course I like you, but I'm married now," she said. "I married someone who's willing to date me because we're both alone and sad, and because he's a closeted homosexual who thinks I'm a man. And the cool thing is, I get to be the hot one. We're both fugly, but he's far worse. I think his name is Glendale or something. I'm not sure. Anyway, I'm glad he isn't having the baby, because he kinda has a drinking problem."

"Oh, and I'm also sorry for punching your father," Marius apologized. "No biggie," said Éponine. "That guy is a major jerk anyway."

Marius then goes to Javert's wife, because they haven't been properly introduced yet. "So Heidi, I heard that you used to sell hentai on the black market."

"Yup. You gotta pay for college, amirite?" said Heidi.

"Well, do you have any recommendations?" Marius asked. "Well, I don't sell hentai anymore, but the closest thing to anime that I have is _Shoujo Cosette_."

"That's perfect! I'll definitely watch that with Cosette on our honeymoon."

~~~~~~~~1:00 a.m. August 23, 1833~~~~~~~~

The former police inspector recalls the events that transpired in the previous year 1832, and he realizes that things turned out to be less miserable than expected. A lot of things changed indeed, because Heidi and René did something very unusual: they took each others' last names. So Heidi Riemann became Heidi Javert, and René Javert became René Riemann, because Javert is such a forgettable name. *insert reference to the prologue of the musical*

FIN

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SxuWEDRP0do#t=3m5s>

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References:  
> [RKO outta nowhere](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kINLR7a9sZU)
> 
>  
> 
> [Irish whip](https://youtube.com/watch?v=2gMt3FKlgUo)


End file.
